Part 1 of an ongoing series. Welcome to the shitbox!
"Cross out the eyes instead of these lies"
~Thursday, "Cross Out the Eyes"
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January 15, 2005 1:12am: Emo... fucking emo... Yeah, I know that was lame. Not many people like Thursday. Pop Emo people think they're too "hard" and real Emo kids think they're a product of MTV. Funny thing is, I don't really recall the Mall kids listening to Thursday much these days. Hot Topic has other flavors of the week to rape and pillage the souls of an unimaginative audience. But still... its pretty bad music. So sue me, I listen to bad music. So who is this person here? Meet and say goodbye to Janet. She's going to be the exhibit of a long series of women I'll be showcasing over time. This new project is about getting all the shit out of my system so I can finally move on. I turned 25 recently and well... After a quarter of a century I realized that the only way I can move forward is if I change. Or rather, become who I really am. No longer will I subject myself to the wiles of women. No longer will I be a free source of therapy. I'm going to attempt to set myself free, and to do that I need to free myself of the ghosts that haunt me. There's a certain trick I never learned. In American society, a man is supposed to recognize bullshit when he sees it. Our society teaches us at an early age that we have to build our defenses emotionally. If a person is burned by another, one should use that person as a template for everyone else. Constant comparison over people in the past is supposed to safeguard someone else for a future fall. Sounds good on paper right? Well
it sucks. One reason why I never learned that trick is because since
day one I always viewed that frame of mind as unfair. Unfair to
everyone else. Why should someone you just meet be subjected and held
accountable to the failings of people you've met previously? Of course,
most of you would agree with me on that, but we do it all the time as
Americans. Racism is a good example, many people are racist through
ignorance, but another reason is because we apply a general blanket over the "types"
of people we categorize. And why not? This is That's a rant for another day, but let’s just apply this as a standard for today's rant: I get burned in every friendship (romantic or platonic) eventually because I don't compare my friends against one another. If one person does me wrong, I don't assume all my other friends will do the same. I don't put up a defensive shield against people that don't deserve it, which is everyone else. So what does that have to do with Janet? Because she was the first. The beginning of all the crappy friendships and relationships I endured since my start of being an "adult" (basically my life after graduating high school). There are a lot of paths a person can take in life. And if I just didn't care about her in the first place, would my life be any different? Honestly I don't think so, there would have been another Janet type careening my way. I know that because I know who I am. The one person I can apply my past to is really only I, because I know how I work. But since it’s my view that when a person willfully chooses to stop being my friend, the story is my own. So I'll tell the story of Janet and lets see if we can wish her a good goodbye =) So instead of any further psychobabble, lets get on with the story: Its just a jump to the left, and a step to the right Let’s
turn the clock back to September of 1997, shall we? So
the senior year begins and one of the first things he sees as he's walking
down the hall is a vision of the past. At the corner of his eye he
thought he saw someone he cared about very much when he was living in "Christine?" He thinks to himself? He realizes that he's staring at her. She glances at him and gives him a slightly crooked smile and walks down the hall the other way. No...
That would be impossible... Christine was the younger sister of John's friend
James. She was a sweet little girl that would always try to tag along
with John and James when they were running around Over the next few weeks, John sees the girl around school. She's almost an exact replica of what Christine would have looked like three years after he last saw her. Let's look from his perspective from now on shall we? Chojin out. "Dude, why are you staring at Mike Talents girlfriend all the time? You know her? You like her?" my friend Dave asks me. "What's her name? And who's Mike Talent?” I ask him. I honestly didn't know everyone in the school. There were over 3000 students and if you weren't a rich kid like the majority of the people in school, you kinda were out of the loop. "Her names Janet. Oh he's a new guy. Junior. He's in the theater club. Not a bad guy really, actually you should sit with us at lunch sometime instead of roaming around like you usually do.", he replied. I didn't exactly "roam around"... I just had a shitty year last year so I decided I'd spend my lunches in the room where I took Japanese class to study or read a book. I was the only student in the whole school that took Japanese, so I had to take it via live broadcasting of a remote class over the television. I'd be on the phones live with the teacher, so it was kind of a neat way to take a class. Herm... well, if I can sit next to her during lunch, at least I'll have something pretty to look at. So I start going to the lunch room, I sit next to Dave and Mike, he introduces me to him and he's a real affable guy. We quickly become friends. He's in Theater like Dave. Funny thing about Theater and Drama students, who I call "dramies." I hate them. There's nothing I hate more than an actor. An actor is a person who's work of trade is being someone that they aren't, and a lot of times eventually an actor will be so used to taking on so many different roles their own personality is lost and they forget when to stop acting. Ironically enough, through high school and college my best friends were "dramies." Sounds weird huh? Well I'm a person that gives everyone a chance and even though I hated actors in general, I never viewed my friends really as "dramies." I mean yeah, a lot of them were in the school plays or drama clubs, and I did attend pretty much any show they asked me to go to. But our friendships were not based on their hobbies. I dunno, it makes sense to you right? Anyhow,
like I said, Mike was a pretty cool guy. I didn't really talk with
Janet much though; she didn't really acknowledge I existed. She was
pretty quiet to everyone. I chalked it up to her being new, and
apparently she moved here from But that's where the story ends for my senior year. The real meeting with Janet takes place the summer of 98, right after I graduated high school. And I got to hand it to Mike for my 7 year long "relationship" with Janet. Or rather, I got to hand it to his sister Kristen. Mike
had a sister named Kristen who was in the same grade as Janet, 9th grade when
I was a senior. Interestingly, Janet was much older than the rest of
the 9th graders, though I didn't know it. She dropped out of school in
the 8th grade for a year while in Yeah,
her. I mean at first glance, she was high class ya know? Wore
high heels and stockings instead of jeans and sneakers, had long flowing
brown hair and expertly applied makeup. The Talents lived in Anyhow, I was into Kristen. And Kristen would always be tagged along by Janet. Who would usually sit back and be quiet while Kristen would steal the show and take control of every conversation while I sat there and nodded my head like a bobble head dog. Wow, a really hot girl talking with me every time she shows up to the coffee shop. She wants me to buy her cigarettes? No problem! She needs a ride somewhere? No problem! Aww, she said I was really sweet all the time. Wow. Wow. Wow. I didn't even give Janet the time of day because Kristen was just so enchanting. She oozed womanliness and sexuality. Then something odd started to happen. This was around when she was dating Scott. A pattern would start to develop. I'd be at the coffee shop, solving the problems of the world with the rest of my friends, playing gin, and just realizing how cool we were. Kristen and Janet would show up, and I'd get up, hug Kristen and start to listen to her oh so wonderful anecdotes. Then Scott would show up and she'd squeal with delight and say "bai hon" and rendezvous with him. Janet would then sit down and wait by herself. Herm... Wait... was I being had? Well... she was Scott’s girlfriend. But how come she ditched Janet like that? Weird... So one of those occasions I sat next to Janet and introduced myself. She had long since broken up with Mike; apparently he was spreading rumors that they were doing it. Ick... I mean Mike's my buddy, and well... that was kinda hard to swallow but whatever. So as time passed, and Kristen would ditch Janet to hang out with Scott, I would fill that gap for her. And she turned out to be pretty cool. She wasn't as Japanese as I thought, and that didn't really matter. She thought it was kind of funny how I spoke more of the language than she did and she even lived there for years. I started to like how she was polite with me, and seemed generally interested in what I had to say. Plus some of the stuff she said was really cool. Her dad was a Marine and like most military brats, had a broader view of the world, having lived around it. After a while, I started to notice that I really like her a lot better then Kristen. While Kristen would OOOZE "womanliness" Janet would show true sincerity and kindness. Janet didn't dress as "sexy" as Kristen would. I mean she would dress very well, and still had a sexy element to herself, but it wasn't as showy as Kristen. Janet's makeup seemed natural, as if it didn't even exist (which apparently is the way makeup is supposed to be). The more I hung around Janet, the more Kristen would seem clown-like more attention grabbing, more actress. So I was more interested in Janet now. So what happened next was funny. It showed a bit about how women are. With me starting to show more interest in Janet, Kristen got irate. When I would pick them up to go places, I would drive to Janet's first, let her sit in the front seat and then pick up Kristen. This REALLY got her angry. Kristen would then start talking behind Janet's back with me on the phone. She would tell me how Janet really isn't all that nice you know. And when Kristen would arrive back at the coffee shop with Scott after their "excursions", the first thing she would do was come up to us and try to steal the conversation. This amused me to no end. Plus, the more I talked with Janet, about things that mattered, the less interesting and fascinating the things Kristen would talk to me (always to me, not with me) about seemed more egotistical and self-masturbatory. Everything centered on her and how cool and charmed her life was. Ugh... I started to get sick. I was actually interested in this girl? She's just rattling about useless things! Damnit, Janet So
summer ends and I'm off to college. Before I left I gave them both my
new number in the dorms and none of them called. That is... until one
day during the second semester. Janet called me up wanting to ask me
about this guy... Jason Biederbender (strange name I know), why she called
was because she wanted to know if I knew of him. See, the guy was
around my age, and she found out that he went to our school even though he
lived in a different town. Oh yeah, I knew this guy. I was there
in the very class when he got kicked out. We had this English class
together in the 10th grade with Mr. Skirchak. That guy was
trouble. Throughout the year he would act up in class and give Skirchak
shit. Near the end of the year, they got into a verbal argument. This
ended with Biederbender calling Skirchak a useless faggot and then threatened
to murder him. He didn't last long at "Yeah," I told her, "I know him. He's bad news. Why are you asking me about him?" "Well... he's going to take me out on a date" she tells me. "Haha, you're kidding. Beiderbender? What the heck is he up to these days anyway, I highly doubt he's going to school" I scoff "Well... he's actually a security guard at Taco Bell" she said lamely. Inside I exploded with laughter. "Oh COME ON," I say coyly, "you can do MUCH, much better than that hon." "Well he seems nice," she tells me "I dunno, I think I'm going to give him a chance." The hell? He seems nice? Is this really the same Beiderbender I know? The same guy who would call Skirchack "Sir Wack" (how clever) and every other word out of his mouth was "homo this" "faggot that?" And why was she calling me about this? What, does she need approval? "Well... I'm calling you because I don't know who else to talk to, you seem to be one of the people that understand me, because you're so nice" she tells me. Nice... really. Nice enough to ask my opinion but not nice enough to notice... Well... herm... then I guess she can do it and I'll support her. I just don't want her to get hurt. "Okay," I say, "I just don't want you to get hurt you know. I mean he seems like a nice guy to you, but the Beiderbender I knew was a jerk. But if you say he's nice, then yeah... I suppose he's a nice guy." So they date. It doesn't last a month. She calls me and tells me what a jerk he was, I dutifully agree. OH GAWD, he was so nice in the beginning, I dutifully agreed that yeah sometimes people hide their true selves. I hate assholes like that, I dutifully agree, yeah those tricky asshole bastards. So that was the formula for our relationship for the next few years. She would meet some guy, ask me his opinion, which always had to be positive, lest I get the wrath of "Oh you really don't know him" (then why fucking ask my opinion?). Later she would get screwed over, cry on the phone "He's such a JERK" to which I would reply, "yes he was, I should have told you from the beginning..." and then she would stop crying and tell me how wonderful I was. That how she wished there were more guys like me on the planet (logic train forgot to pick someone up!). Eventually there's always that special moment. That special moment that happens to a lot of women before they graduate high school and they have an urge to get their hymen busted wide open. After Janet performed the ritual of devirginization she calls me up to tell me. Some guy I don't even remember his name. I don't think even Janet remembers his name these days. "It kinda hurt actually..." she tells me after I asked her how it was. I then ask her if she really wanted to do it. "Well... not really but I think I love him, I mean I said that on the phone to him last week. I got kinda scared when I did. We were talking and before I hung up I said "I love you" and then I froze. I couldn't believe myself. And you know, it was valentines day yesterday so I wanted to do something special for him." she quickly told me. Let me get this straight? Women have sex with guys even if they didn't really feel like it. And it initially hurts, and they do it not because they wanted it but because the guy did? Why do women want guys like that? Don't they complain that they hate men that always think about themselves, yet they seem to go after guys that are just like that? I'll never understand. So two weeks roll by and she calls me again. She hasn't seen her boyfriend the day after they had sex. He kind of fled. According to her, he said that his mom was in trouble up north and he'll be gone for a while. A while was assumed a few days. I tell her its okay, he might show up, maybe his mom is really sick or something. A month rolls by and no guy. She flips out. "I hate HIM! I loved him! I gave him my virginity and then he LEFT! How can men be so cruel?! She exasperates. I listen to hours of crying and why the hell can't she find a good man. So I do something dumb, but truthful. Because I cared. A part of me loved her, so I thought I could try to fix it all up neatly: "Well... I dunno if I'm a good man or not, but why not us?" "Hmm?" she says almost absentmindedly. "Us. You know. The two of us. Why don't we try being a couple?" I say seriously. "Oh John... You know I care about you a lot. I just don't see us like that" She says in an apologetic tone. "Oh, yeah... Heh... Well. You know, I just want to let you know that the offer does stand. And I do love you, ya know. You're someone special to me." I say somewhat lamely. "Awww, you're so sweet John Paul." She says back. She always called me "John Paul" rather than John. Only my family calls me John Paul. I don't hate my middle name, but it’s somewhat a qualifier if someone actually takes the time to get to know me and my family. Rarely do people notice that my folks call me by my first and middle name (my grandfather's name was John and my father's name is John, it’s to differentiate between us all), and when one of my friends do so. It's something special to me. I mostly introduce myself as John. Usually if people find out my middle name, they call me JP, which pisses me off. It never ends; it’s like something that I can't kill. Even when I move to another country or state, there's always some yahoo that starts to call me JP and then it spreads like wildfire. Oh I hate it so much. I don't like initialized names. To me it just seems kind of lazy. If I don't give someone a pet name, I usually use their full name. Like my friend Kathleen. Everyone calls her Kathy, and I guess she does too. But I call her Kathleen. Why? I like her name :p Plus that's who she is to me. Kathleen is Kathleen. Ah well, I guess I'm a hypocrite :p Fine, those of you that call me JP can I guess... I just hate it, for the record. So Janet dodged my bullet. Oh Brad Second
year of college comes around and I have an apartment and my car with
me. This means I can drive back home on weekends and not have to have
my folks pick me up. This is significant because during one of the
weekends I was back at my folks I run into Kristen at Gargoyles. She
cheerily comes up to me and starts to yammer about shit I don't really care
about. So in the middle of her talking I interrupt and ask her if she's
seen Janet. I haven't heard from her since my summer vacation in the "Oh... her..." she says disappointedly. "Well... I don't really know. She dropped out of school you know" "What?!" I freak out to her. "Why?!" "Well she wasn't doing so well in school." "Then where can I find her?" I ask worriedly, well I guess I could always call her house. But her Dad scares me. He's a big gruff ex-marine. I got along with her mom. A very nice woman. "You
know the IHOP in The
next weekend I had off I went to that IHOP before going back to "So raves huh?" I ask. "Oh! haha who told you about that" she smiles. "Kristen told me about that, are you okay? She kinda mentioned you were getting into drugs too" "Oh her..." she begins, "Well yeah, we don't really talk much since I dropped out. I mean I told you about how I was having problems with the teachers right? I got my GED over the summer. So fuck the school." That wasn't too bad I supposed to myself. I mean she said she was interested in cosmetology school and I guess getting GED is sufficient enough for that. "But Kristen, yeah we don't talk, she was such a bitch" "I noticed" I told her, "I mean it seemed like she had to constantly put you down, I didn't get it at first..." "Exactly!" she interjected, "I mean she would always tell me how to put on makeup or how to dress because I wasn't sexy enough like her. I mean she seemed like I was some sort of threat to her or something" "Well... I could see why. You know, next to you she was an overdressed ape. She had to try so hard to what comes to you naturally." "Oh you! You're so sweet, but anyway..." Isn't it funny how a woman can throw a true compliment away like so much wadded up jerk-off tissue but somehow compliments like "DAMN YOU SO FLY" stick from dipshits who just want to fuck? "Well I'm not REALLY into drugs... They're just stuff that we take at the clubs to enhance. Besides... it’s just E you know." "Ecstasy?" I start, "I've heard bad stuff about it, and I mean I don't really know it all too well... but I mean there's been research that it can lead to some nasty heart problems. Plus don't they do other crap there... what’s that stuff called... Ketchupine? Kattamine?" "K!" she says cheerily "Yeah but that stuff is weird, it makes you into a zombie, they call it being in the "K-Hole" "Sounds like a lot of fun..." I reply wanly. "Well, I'm having fun right? That's what's important. And you don't need to worry about me" she says confidently "I'll be just fine." I sigh and shrug, at least she seems well. So for the rest of the 2nd year of college I would make a routine of going to IHOP every Friday night. Sitting there at one of the booths and help her roll silverware, listening to her. I mean even though she went to those god awful raves (I dunno, as a punk it just seems like my oil to my water. Punks enjoy unity and the music (in theory at least...) those raves sounded like drug fests where people would slurp on each other in Ecstasy induced hazes and give each other retarded names like Butterfinger or Snickers. I think Janet's "raver" name was Skittles. I jokingly told her if I was to go to a rave I'd be code named "Charleston Chew" or "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze Gum") she was still Janet though. She would tell me her hopes and dreams, her fears, her wants. And she would actually listen to mine. I told her about Christine and she actually listened intently and gave thoughtful responses to that sad, sad tale. When I told her about Jennie, she gave me lots of support on that one. Speaking of women, lets take a little break here and let me ask you women readers a question: Why the FUCK if you aren't interested in me, do you have to outright HATE every other woman friend I have? Is this some weird fucking female agenda? I get it. You don't like me. You can criticize their actions. But the responses I get from most of you are outright hatred, as almost you have to defend my honor. I get it, you don't like them, but you don't have to act like they're the vilest bitches that ever existed. In fact. I think from now on I'm going to pull a typical female response to you all and just say "Well you just don't know her like I do" I'd
stay until she got off her shift and hug her goodbye and promptly drive to my
folks and crash. Then sometimes on those Saturdays I'd pick her up and
we'd go to one of the malls scattered through Fridays
never really changed. But then during the second semester the Saturdays
did. Janet found a new boyfriend. And she wanted me to meet
him. His name was Popkorn (I kid no you not). He's from "Fuck yea, I was born there!" he told me, all while punching Janet in the side of the arm, sometimes a bit too hard for my liking. "Yeah but did you live there?" "WELL... not really, I came here as a baby, besides what's it to you, you're a fake Asian, got a goofy white bread boys ass name" he spat with discontent. "Hey, I got a white girls name too" Janet would pout. "Well... yeah..." he muttered under his breath. Charming, this guy was really charming. Later when it was just the two of us, I asked her what she saw in that guy. "Oh... he was just showing off you know" she smiled at me. No shit... he tongue wrestled her in front of me a bit much at the IHOP... "He's usually not like that, He's really sweet and kind and fun to be with at the raves we go to" Of course he was... he's a perfect gentleman. Sure enough, a few months later they break up and he's the ultimate shit that ever existed. Plus she feels that she needs to get a restraining order because he's so fucked up. I dutifully agree and tell her I should have told her that from the beginning, I'm sorry, it was my fault. Life resumes to normal. I get to enjoy her company again, though I'm finding she's getting more and more reckless at these raves. She told me a few times she's ended up sleeping with guys she just met at these raves; she doesn't even remember their names. I tell her well... that's kinda bad but not the end of the world... I told her that she was still young, and didn't have to worry about pressures and stuff, have fun, and get it out of your system. One last thing to doooooooo Years later she was crying on the phone with me about what a whore she was. At the ripe old age of 22 she ended up sleeping with something like 7 guys in her entire life. She really didn't know did she :p That’s not excessive. I calmed her down and told her that's not whoring. Far from it. I've known women by that age who've been with twice or three times that number. I told her that it doesn't matter anyway. You shouldn't feel bad about your past, cause it’s the past. "Well... it’s easy for you to say... you're still a virgin. I dunno how you can do that" she told me that night. Ouch... yeah about that. She knew I was a virgin because I knew she was when she was 18. We talked about it and I told her that it’s amazing you're still a virgin at 18, and when she lost her virginity, I didn't think much of it. I mean I didn't think it was a super holy event or something to sneer at. However. It seems that after she lost hers, she started to look at me in a different light. Not a very good one either. I've noticed something in life. People always have to compare differences between each other. I mean its natural in a way that a person needs to recognize differences between other people for recognition factors. But it’s when they start using those things as qualifiers on who's better than whom, things get kind of sticky. Let me put it this way: After she had sex for the first time, she started to act like she was now a "grown woman" and a virgin like me, even though I was 2 years older, was still a child. In fact, throughout the last 5 years of our friendship, she always had this changed air of "oh you just don't know" She had this strange aura of superiority that I never really did like. Oh she always said things like "Oh John, it’s amazing you've been waiting for so long, I respect that so much." But then she would say things like "Jeez, you know, if you just stopped caring about these girls and just had sex with them all your problems would go away" on other days. I'm sorry. I have reasons for not fucking women I don't love. Anne was a great example of this. As a matter fact... I seem to find this in a lot of females that find my virginity status. I really don't get it. Is it really all that hard, especially when I'm surrounded by females that don't want me anything more than a eunuch teddy bear punching bag, to realize I haven't jammed my penis into some girls vagina? And why do I have to get into so many technical arguments with people? "Oh but you've had oral sex, and you've gone down on women! Among other types of sexual romps!" Yeah so? "Then why don't you just finish the job you tard?" I dunno. Maybe because I'm just not that adventurous. Or maybe I wasn't emotionally ready. I choose my relationships more carefully these days. So I can honestly say, the next girlfriend I do have, I'm willing to bet that if she's consensual I will have sex with her. But in all honesty? What the fuck is it to you? (Thanks Chojin ^_^). Well someone had to fucking say it. For shit's sake why the fuck does it matter when the Chojin gets laid or not? In fact. When he does get laid, the Chojin isn't going to spill the beans to you fuckers. The person he's going to have sex with isn't a fucking badge of honor but a human being. So unless you are that person, you don't really need to know, now do you? Ahem... I put him back in his bottle. But what he says has a point. It really doesn't matter, and I'm not any more or less than a man. If a person is judged on how many or how little lays he or she has, then I don't want any part of that bullshit. Back to the story: So Popkorn
is gone and I'm debating on whether moving to the Another thing that's kinda funny. Janet told me one time her favorite type of men, looks-wise, were Filipino men. She thought they looked like black guys with lighter brown skin (huh?). She said that they were the most attractive of all. You'd think that would have given me some clout... Well, I found out why she told me this because... I
gave her a dime, and a Guess
who moved back to the states. And to So
one of the nights before I move to the I'm not much impressed with Craig. But he's pivotal to this story because she actually holds on to him for three years. And it was one fucking wild ride. While
I'm in the When I moved back to the states in 2001 Janet would call me almost every day. There was trouble in paradise. Craig wasn't so Mr. Wonderful, well she still loved him, but he kind of would get drunk a lot. One time at a Christmas party she was at before the dry cleaning thing he got really drunk and embarrassed her in front of all her co-workers. He had a really horrible temper. Oh of course though, he never struck her. While she stopped going to raves and partying so much Craig still went with his friends. He would come home late at night drunk off his ass. His penis extension (read: car) broke down so he took hers to use for his oh so important career: delivering pizzas. Oh and the dry cleaning thing? It was owned by his mother. So bought it and made Craig and Janet run it because it was for their future. The thing is, Janet worked there 60 hours a week, with get this: NO PAY. No pay. She didn't get paid for her work at all. Granted, a business operator usually doesn't take home pay. But it wasn't her business. She ran the fucking thing, but it wasn't hers. But to top off this fantastic, amazing and wonderful arrangement called a relationship, she dropped a big bomb on me. The bomb was this: When they had sex, she felt like vomiting afterwards. I'll repeat this. When they had sex. She would get so nauseous that she felt as if she had to puke when they were done. What the fuck? I really don't understand women. But of course, she loved him. After
my first year back in the states, After
Daibouken, Janet and I became closer. She called me one month so
many times that she ended up having to pay a 300 dollar cell phone
bill. When I offered to pay at least half she flatly refused. So
in hopes of alleviating that type of monetary crunch I introduced her to the
wonderful world of IRC and got her to come to a channel I hang out
regularly. I also tried to teach her the many wonderful uses a computer
can use, like getting music and watching movies ;p. She broke up with
Craig in that interim, and moved back to Stafford with her parents, and got a
decent job working at I introduced her to a lot of my friends online. She already knew Blah from Daibouken so she wasn't feeling like too much of a stranger; my friends online (who've I've met many in person) are just as respected by me as my friends in real life. A few took a shining to her. And why not? She's an attractive female. FEMALE. Remember, this is the internet. One guy asked if he could get her number, I told him that he should ask her, and he did. He got it. She also struck up a friendship with my friend Koitsu. And then something strange started to happen. The one guy, Todd, wanted to meet her in person. He wanted to move out there and hopefully move in with her. Wha? And to top it off, she was considering it. What the fuck was going on? And then later I find out that she actually asked Koitsu to come visit her, and maybe even move in with her. WHAT THE FUCK?! Well
neither notion ever came to fruitition. Apparently she wanted to get
out of her folks house and needed means to do so. You know... someone
to rescue the damsel in distress. So I mentioned that what if I moved
back to "I mean, you changed your mind about me?" I asked her on the phone one day. "What do you mean?" she says, not comprehending. "Well... I mean, does this mean you're giving me a chance?" I explain. "Wait... what? I hope you're not getting the wrong idea, hee hee." she says playfully. "Oh... no, I guess I was just kidding" I say lamely. And then we talk a bit more before hanging up. I laid in my bed thinking to myself; wait a second... that's exactly what I meant! I mean why the fuck wouldn't she even give me a chance after all these years? She dated a Taco Bell security guard for fucks sake, she dated an asshole that fucked her and left her, she dated a crotch goblin named POPKORN! Jesus fuck she dated a guy for three years that she detested so much yet somehow loved and felt like vomiting after SEX. She considered my friend Koitsu as a prospect (not that was bad, just... COME ON, he's my friend and she never even met him). WHAT ABOUT ME!? What the fuck was wrong with me? So I got out of bed, stomped to the phone and dialed her up. She answered it and I go: "Wait a second here. You just don't believe me do you?" "Believe what?" "Believe that when I said I loved you, I meant it." "Wait... you never told me you loved me. What's this all about?" She says innocently, (SCOFF SCOFF I SCOFF AT THEE! quiet down Cho) "Yes I did, I told you after that fuckwad, Jesus, what was his name, fucked you and then left for a month, I told you that I'd never hurt you and we should try it, I mean just at least try it" I started to get riled up, I mean fuck, if I can remember, why can't she? "You never said you loved me! You said, 'lets be a couple', that's completely different" "You're dodging the point. And I did tell you that I loved you, by the way. You have to know after all these years that I've been in love with you. You know I don't even have to say it, my actions prove who and what I am for you." "Well... yeah I know you still have feelings for me... but you know, we're just friends you know" "And why can't we be more, why can't we even try it" Women Emergency Response #0201: "Oh we can't do that, we might spoil the friendship" (is there some fucking meeting that the National Woman’s Committee meets annually and outlines proper responses to "problem platonics" like me?) "So we're going to be living together, and you already know that even living together, being together, that there's no way you might not ever, EVER, start to feel differently about me, see me in another light so to speak?" She says, "Well... I never said that. I'm just saying now when we move in together, that's not my initial feeling towards you." "What about complications?!" "What complications" "Think about what complications could arise" I tell her and then say goodbye and hang up. Don't Dream it, Be It. Dude, we've gotta get out of this trap. Before this sickness snaps our wills. I've gotta be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind will snap. I couldn't friggan believe it. What the hell was I? Her fucking appliance? Am I goddamn toaster? A dildo? A teddy-bear? Then I realized something. Something she once told me: "Oh John, if I'm 40 and unmarried, lets get married okay?" I think she said that to make me "feel better." HOW THE FUCK can someone feel better because of that? Let's break this down logically: She says that we should get married if she's unmarried when she's 40. This means, for the next 20 years, if every man she ever tries out doesn't work, I'm Plan B. More like Plan Z. I mean if you think about it for a second, it's like the modern day version of "Well if you were the last man on earth, the absolute last man on earth, and we had to propagate the species, I'd consider fucking you." How the fuck can someone be that heartless? The saddest part is that she wasn't trying to say it to hurt my feelings, but to make me "feel better." I started to think about things more closely. For years I thought of myself as useless, because logically I must be shit. Why? Here's why: If person A is attracted to X (Taco Bell Security Guards, deadbeats, vomit inducing sexual partners, 48 year old MARRIED men.) And Person B (me) is considered a very special person and wouldn't know what to do without you, except be in a meaningful relationship. What does that speak of person B? You draw a conclusion.
Then what am I? Chopped liver? If she's going to go out with those guys, that instantly makes me WORSE than them. I mean shit, with a lineup like that, she must view me as a leperous-syphillatic-hobo-child-molesting (HA, 48...)-Nazi-cannibal. You heard it first ladies, I'm an LSHCMNC. Stay away from me! But then I realized something. Person A + X ! > B. No, far from it. I'm better than both Person A and X combined. Hell I'm better than them both multiplied. In fact. Person X is half a man so if you multiply person X with A, it's significantly smaller than Person A even started out with. In plain engrish: I realized that I really wasn't the problem. I started to slowly realize that Janet was the problem. She also told me once when I asked her why she never believed my compliments to her. I would tell her how beautiful she was, how thoughtful sometimes (she always tried to remember my birthday, nobody ever does that), would worry if she got me a good present (one Christmas she got me this huge iron cross with a clock in the middle. Needless to say, it was unsettling, but the thought was what counted most, so I hung it on the wall with pride), and how she kept me sane (I even believed that at the time!). Her response? "Oh you, silly, that's because you have what I call 'Boyfriend Talk (Chojin: WHAT THE FUCK, HUH? JESUS FUCK MY BRAIN JUST EXPRODED)'" "What’s 'boyfriend talk'?" "You know, its just I know you will always compliment me. That's how boyfriends talk, you won't ever criticize a thing I say" "er... Janet I think you are just assuming that I'm like that. If you can't see how I genuinely care for you, then how can you say I 'talk like a boyfriend'. Besides... If what I say really matters, and it sounds like a boyfriend, then uh... 2+2 = 4 right?" "Oh now you're just twisting what I said back at me" she snapped (!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!) I also thought about several scenarios. Okay... What if I move in with her and then she starts to date some guy. I shuddered at the thought of Ol Soft Balls coming over to pork her. I imagined myself working at a job, coming home to cook, and then she goes out with yon jacktard, and then comes home crying about what a pig he was and then I have to comfort her while we watched Lifetime eating Hagen Das. Then she would sniffle and snuff and then calm down and tell me that I'm such a wonderful guy. And after I thought about that image. Admiral Ackbar appeared before me and stated these words: IT’S A TRAP! Obviously
I had to think about this situation more. Plus I was unemployed at the
time, not to mention was busy playing matchmaker/platonicman with Abbey
(we're still friends, so no real story there, well maybe one fun one she
wouldn't mind me telling, I'll do it sometime later). I had to get
stuff together so I suggested I move in that fall, if I can find a way to get
money. She agreed, and that fall I moved to Well six months roll by and I finally have a good nest egg, ready for moving. Then she calls me up, crying naturally, she broke up with Captain Erectile Problems (VICTOLY). I immediately go to work with my Platonicman Psychiatric powers and shrink her head. She seems to be stabilizing captain! Then the next few days she tells me that there's this guy at her second job who has been hinting interest at her. I tell her she should go on a few dates. "But I don't want to be his girlfriend" "Um... then what's the problem, don't go on a date with him." "Well... he's very persuasive" "Well, then go on a date with him, get to know him. Who knows, maybe he's a nice guy?" "Well he did invite me to a Halloween party, but I dunno if I want to go." "Why not?" "Because... I don't want to appear as his girlfriend" "Um... who says you would? Can't you two just go to a party and have fun?" "Yeah well... you just don't understand ::sigh::" Obviously I don't. She can't interact with men (unless it’s me, and I figured out why, I'll tell you in a bit) unless they're a boyfriend. Yes, that doesn't make sense to me either, but what the hell... whatever. So, two weeks pass by and she calls me. "John Paul... I have something to say, promise me you won't be mad" "Er... why would I be mad" I'm really confused at that request. "Well... just promise" "Okay I won't be mad, what’s up?" "That guy, Dave, you know, the guy from the Halloween party? Well, I'm his girlfriend now. And we've decided (we've...) that we're going to move in with each other (THE FUCK?). I mean... It's okay right?" "Why are you asking me if it’s okay? I'm not your keeper Janet. I've let you know since day one that your life is yours to live how you see fit" Obviously I was disappointed, and hurt, but more well, more I was fucking confounded than anything else. "OH! Well yeah, you're right. So we're going to move in with each other in a few weeks." "Er... Janet... just one question, don't you think that’s a bit hasty? I mean you've only known him for what... two weeks?" "Well you just haven't met him is all" she says sickenly sweet. So that was that. Almost a year of planning and I was trumped by some dude she met for two weeks... You're so pretty. You're so pretty. Pretty... ...Vacant I figured out why Janet would never even consider me as a prospect to further her precious genes. It's simple really. She views me as a weak person. Yes. I kid you know. To her I'm not as much as a wimp, but as a weak person. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I sicken her more than any of the jackholes she's ever dated. Why does she think I'm weak? ::Drum roll:: I care about her opinions. No seriously. I care about her opinions. I care about what she thinks and says. I listen to her wants and needs. I'm weak because I actually care about her. Brain hurt yet? Need I to explain? No problem. Let’s take a look at her track record with men, shall we? Jason
Beiderbender: Jacktard Taco Bell Security guard who got booted from school
for assaulting a teacher Wait what did you say? You heard me. Daddy. I never told you about Janet's dad. The truth is, I have nothing against him... I mean if anything, Janet's father has been polite to me. I appreciate that. He's a man's man. He's gruff, likes to work in the garage. You know. Do man stuff. Apparently he likes me because he assumes I'm a Republican (HAHA). He assumes this because I'm a Business major. He equates all businessmen with Republicanism. To him (read: Also Janet, find the pattern), anyone who has any ideals that are Liberal in the slightest are weak willed commie bastard assholes. In fact, Liberal is an evil word to them both. I would describe myself as a moderately liberal person. I believe in gay rights, I believe in true women's equality (that means you ladies should pick up half the tab or alternate once in a while too ya know), I believe in energy conservation, I believe in the idea that just because a million people say one thing and one person says another thing, does not mean that the one person is automagically wrong. Galileo wasn't wrong when most of the western world at the time believed that the Earth was the center of the universe. And as of recently... probably to much ire and scorn and hatred from my parents and fellow Catholic friends, I'm pro-choice. Oh don't get me wrong. I hate abortion. I hate that people do it. I hate the act itself and the notion of aborting a child. But I can't tell a woman what to do. I don't think the Government has a legal basis to stop a woman from getting an abortion. You might as well tell men to stop masturbating, because you'll grow hair on your palms. I wish people would be more responsible sexually. And yes, abortion did indirectly affect my life once upon a time. I have that story buried in the Christine tale. My real belief in liberalism however is really simple: I believe that when people fight for something or another, EVERYONE should be included. Conservatism and Liberalism can inexpertly and in admittedly a very generalized way be boiled down to these two school of thoughts: Liberalism
means freedom for all Anyway,
I bring that up because last year before the elections, I would get a lot of
shit from Janet by criticizing the president and his cabinet. She
thought I was being unfair to the guy, and that since he is the elected
president (I couldn't even bring up the Bowling for Columbine was a movie I sent to her to watch. I wanted to see what she thought. She hated it. She said it was okay though most of the movie but then she hated it at the end because Michael Moore dared to ask questions pertaining his appearances at gun rallies weeks after kids were shot in those towns. The tenacity of Mr. Moore. How dare here, in this free society, ask a private citizen questions and their motives. Isn't that what freedom was fought for? Being able to question things? Bah... but I digress... Want to know a secret? The joke of all of this is, at least at the time, Janet was yards and leaps and bounds more of a Liberal than I was. Seriously. Compare this:
Who's more liberal? I didn't even consider my political ideals until recently. Yet to her automatically the word Liberal was an evil word. Why? Because Daddy thought so. I once asked her what her dreams were in life. She snorted and said, oh... you're just going to make fun of me because of your liberal ideas, and you think that women should all get degrees and work. Well, what's wrong with having a family and being a good mother and staying at home? "Nothing," I replied "That's an honorable dream you know. What's important is that you have to make the distinction between a family and squirting out some kids. Just having children isn't having a family. I hope you work for your dream" "I know that!" she snapped back at me... So where does the shitkicking begin? What happened next? |
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Feel like Chojin is a moron? Wanna tell him how much he sucks and exactly why HE'S in the wrong? Write to him at Chojinsucks@hotmail.com