I’m not allowed to love
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August 8th, 1998 1:56 AM EST How come women
always say: "You can't possibly be in love with me”? Do they actually think that men are incapable of the emotion love,
or does it have another meaning? The answer is eluding me and has eluded me
for the longest time. I just got off-line talking to (well trying to at
least) a person that a care extremely and deeply about. For the past 7 months
this person has been the biggest emotional support for me well, since the
last time a woman has said that dreaded statement that I'm trying to figure
out. She used to write me letters, draw pictures and well, just been a real
person to me when at a time not very many people have been to me. She would
cheer me on and support me when I would do even the minutest things (such as
Chojinradio). And there was one, major important thing that really made her
outshine against all others. She cares about me as much as I care about
her. At least I thought I did... So why isn't Chojin riding off into the
sunset, fortune in one had, her hand in his other, both of them walking side
by side equally? One small problem: She
lives 3000+ miles away from Chojin. Which to me, and apparently to her, that wasn't a big deal. I am
going to be moving to the same state as her next summer. (NO, not because of
her, the Chojin may be a moron sometimes but he's not that stupid.
He's been planning on moving there for over 4 years now) Life was bliss; I
was able to talk to her for absolutely free on AIM. I could hear her
beautiful voice for free on Net Meeting. She could find out all about me and
what I do and what my interests are all on Chojinradio. By sending pictures
back and forth to each other we both could know exactly what this person
looked like that we were having feelings for all the way across the
continent. It was great; I was getting hooked on her faster than a politician
on crack. It started to get a bit smarmy as well =p Pet names (sigh, she used
to call me her Chisai Kobocha ^^;;;), missing each other very badly if on
wasn't on that day. I was on a high for a very long time and then it just stopped.
Bam... Just recently in fact. I went to the Philippines on vacation last
month for 4 weeks. When I came back the communication ceased. The really
fucked up thing though it wasn't due to the fact I was then on the OTHER SIDE
OF THE WORLD, for we found a way to communicate in real time even though we
were 12 time zones apart. So what was it? Beats the hell outta me... For
about 2 weeks now she's been ignoring me, ignoring my emails, just ignoring
me all together. Yes I know it sounds like Chojin is actually, finally living
up to his hypocritical namesake (for the Nihongo impaired, Chojin ((spelled
really Choujin)) means ultra being or super person. One of the reasons he
chose the name was to show his hypocrisy outright, Chojin being actually an
introverted kinda guy. In any case, Chojin values humility more than
anything.), but understand readers, not but 2 months ago when I was in
college she used to talk to me every day and about everything.
Chojin just being a whiny bitch and misses how good it was? You bet he does.
He told her once that she's worth it, worth it all; and he still believes
that and always will. So what is the cause of my misery? Is it the boyfriend she has
found for herself over there where she lives? The answer is definitely no. In
fact, I wanted her to see guys around her. I knew enough in my heart that she
was someone that was right for me, but I want her to know in her heart if I
am right for her. The best way to do that is simply by comparison. I mean
heck, do you think that I would want her to be a nun for crying out
loud!? Of course I want her to date guys! Sheesh =p In fact it was her
who said that she didn't want to date anyone for a while. Well friends and
neighbors, good old Second Law of Thermodynamics (I think it was the 2nd law
don't quote me) named Entropy stepped in and said "Hey you! Nothing's
permanent! I make EVERYTHING change ^_^" and she met this guy. She
didn't tell me much about the guy, but that's because the communication
stopped just right around the time the guy showed up. Is it the guy's fault
we don't talk anymore? DEFINITLEY NOT! That would be just ludicrous. Why? Simple,
there's one easy rule about life that everyone can learn: Boyfriends/Girlfriends
do NOT last forever, but good friends will. It took me many MANY years to
realize that but I found it to be the absolute truth. How so? Well a
boyfriend/girlfriend has either 2 options in his run: Either he's gonna break
up with him/her sometime in the future near or far, or he/she is gonna marry
his/her girlfriend/boyfriend and cease to be the status of
boyfriend/girlfriend. Got it? Good. Confused? I hope not =p In a nutshell
what I am trying to say to me relative situation is that this guy is means
nothing to me. He's not even a speed bump in the friendship I have (hopefully
STILL have) with this woman. He ain't even a fricken pebble! One cause is that I could be being insensitive to her needs
right now. How so? She was gonna move to my side of the coast, in fact she
was supposed to leave tomorrow. Why? None of your business, other than the
fact that she was having some sort of problems where she lived. Well she's not
coming. I didn't tell her this but my heart sank when she said she was gonna
move, because it woulda been like a switcheroo with me going there and her
coming here. I didn't see a future for us. But then I realized something. I
wanted her to do what she wanted to do. Because I'm a slave to her whims?
Hell no, the reason is because I found out why I cared about this person that
lived so far away from me so much. I love the fact that she is so determined
in what she wants to do with her life. She is a go-getter; she never lets
anything stop in her way. If I was a part of restricting that then I couldn't
live with myself. I would destroy the main reason why I love her so much. So
back to me being insensitive. I kept asking her if she was gonna stay where
she was for a long time (in hopes I could be an even more part of her life
when I moved there) or if she was gonna wait another year till she moves to
this side of the US (the very year I do my own trans-national move). If that
was what turned her away from me then I am sorry. However, it can't be the
main reason, one little bump shouldn't be anything to two friends. It has to
be something else, something she never told me or isn't telling me now. Anyhow, last night about 3 hours ago, the very man who introduced
me to her heard me getting depressed in IRC (which is rare, tell me those of
you who know me ask me how depressed I act?) so he decided to take matters
into his own hands and well bitched her out. One thing my friend told me was
that she said this: "he can't love me.." What does that mean? There are so many ways to interpret it,
such as I’m not allowed to love her, or I'm not able to love
her, or I'm not supposed to love her. Regardless it all boils down to
the fact that Chojin isn't gonna be feeling the same feeling he feels for her
from now on... And guess what? Boy does it suck! The really fucked up part is that this outcome is starting to
look like EXACTLY like the last blunder in love that Chojin made, which was
entirely my fault and know exactly what I did wrong, and will be the topic of
a future rant one of these days. So.... If you are reading this, and you know who you are my Kitsune.
Know this: You told me one time (I dunno if you remember at all) to find
someone that I care about, and then go for her. I did. I chose. I'm still
gonna go for you. I'm not stupid though, I know when I have absolutely lost.
But how can I even compete when I'm not even in the stadium yet? Why aren't
you even giving me a chance in the first place? Is there something about me I
don't know yet? =p Do I smell funny? Hee hee ^^;;; Oh by the way, I apologize for Joe storming you last night. It
was my fault. I shouldn't of let my emotions run so rampant last night in
IRC. I don't know everything Joe said to you, but if he said something really
harsh I want you to know what was said in IRC. Here's what happened:
Then him and I went
into private chat: If you got this far
my Kitsune. I ask only one thing of you. In fact I BEG of it from you. Please
don't ever, EVER let me sing that song I played. The song I promised I would
never sing to you. I beg of you ;_; |
GO BACK!
Feel like Chojin is a moron? Wanna tell him how much he sucks and exactly why HE'S in the wrong? Write to him at Chojinsucks@hotmail.com Yes the Email is for real ^^;;