Let me get this straight.......

MAINTAINING THE CLEANLINESS OF THE PUNK GENE POOL......

by Ross

Hi, it's your Uncle Ross, kids and he's got a way for you, the punk
elite, to make sure whether or not you're still punk enough. What's that you
say? Why should I give a shit, Uncle Ross? Because I fuckin' said so, you
meaningless piece of ass hair.
Now pay attention, my first point is:

Rule#1
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. You already knew that, but keep reading to
affirm your grand sense of knowledge.

Rule#2
NEVER LISTEN/AGREE TO/WITH ANYONE. Listening to other people
sucks. They always bitch and whine about stupid shit that no one cares
about. Like , why should you try to broaden your horizons by listening to,
learning, experiencing new things. You know everything already anyway, you
don't need that shit. Like, if, someone said "NOFX Rules!", and if you were
actually listening, which you shouldn't be, you would know that a person is a
total idiot for liking such a pussy, sold out, punk band.

Rule#3:
ALWAYS INSULT OTHER'S BELIEFS AND THOUGHTS. This is achieved
best in social situations, where a member of a social grouping faulters,
makes an inacurate statement, or is deemed inferior for some reason or
another. Pick anything, their speech, clothing, ideas, anything. Make sure
to bring this inferiority out for all to view and hear and make sure everyone
notices. Always single out others for having an original opinion and
persecute them. Ridiculing others always shows how much stronger you are.
You always look cooler, too, when you point out how others aren't as cool as
you.

Rule#4:
ALWAYS SPEAK USING GENERALIZTIONS AND EXTREMES. Using broad
generalizations always shows how much you know about everything. "All techno
music sucks because its dumb with all those dancing drug addicts, the whole
democratic government sucks because it's not really run by the people, all
authority sucks because all they do is oppress people, etc." See this gives
people a sense that you seem to know something about those things without
really revealing any new information and because of that, you can't make a
mistake. You don't like something then no one else should either. Remember,
you know everything. Use extremes just to punctuate these situations and
make them sound more grandiose. "Always," "all," "none" and "never" are
simple and effective in describing how things occur, people are, or what
something is like. Try using these statements in the appropriate discussions
next time:
"Cops always harass people." "All lawyers are money grubbing assholes."
"True punks never eat meat/ drink/ are caught without a beer/ do drugs/ like
any other types of music." You get the picture. Doesn't that seem so much
more dramatic? People love drama. Remember, this helps your image as a
loner and convinces others that it's you against the world.

Rule#5
EMBRACE A CORE OR A TYPE OF PUNK/CAUSE. Whether it's hardcore,
skacore, pop punk, emo, or traditional, earlier punk, make sure to stick to
your genre. If you begin to deviate from your original scene, it's a sign of
weakness. Oh and with your new found music choice, pick a cause like sXe,
veganism, anarchy and go with it. Every cool punk needs a specific cause to
back, but never research your choice in any way. (see rule#2 and rule#1)

Rule#6
ALWAYS DRESS ACCORDINGLY. A punk always has forty useless
chains on his/her person at any one time. Safety pins also a neat accessory.
Weird haircut a must, like start off with something simple like a mohawk and
dye it the most obscene shade of red/green you can find. Next clothes, must
be hand made/altered or thrift store items, because you would never be caught
dead buying a shirt from Hot Topic or Gadzooks, those stores are for posers.
Make sure to get a lot of tattoos and peircings because as you already know
they make others stare. Remember you really need to stand out a punk rock
show, and doing the above will guarantee this.

Rule#7

PRACTICE YOUR PIT MOVES AT HOME IN THE MIRROR. You have to get
those important moves like "picking up change," "windmills," "the pogo," and
the good old "slam" down before you attend any show. You're there to impress
people and all eyes should really be on the pit and you, not the stupid bands
everyone paid to see. The pit is your moment to shine, so make sure you
really fuck some people up. Pick on people smaller than you, girls are a
great example. Bring some brass knuckles or barbed wire to wrap around your
knuckles to inflict maximum damage. (I saw four skinheads do that at a
Swingin' Utters show, they fucked this one kid up really bad. They were
so... "cool.")* Remeber the pit is an excuse to hurt people that don't
deserve it and to make up for all those people who have kicked your ass.

Now if you have followed Uncle Ross's Handy-Dandy Punk Rock Rulebook to
the letter, you too can garner mad scene points and be Punk Rock Elite.**

** this denotes that the above is total bullshit. I myself love all types of
music, have experimented with many kinds of drugs, and wear normal clothes.
Personally the above translates to me as:

Rule#1: I know shit. Everday I am learning and I try never to let my
arrogance or ignorance take over.

Rule#2: A part of learning is exposing yourself to new situations and taking
risks not staying comfortable and close-minded.

Rule#3: If more people tried to listen to others and understand their
thoughts instead of putting them down all the time, maybe we might learn
something (oooooh, scary.). Whether or not that information is valid or even
important is for an individual to decide. The moral of the story to me:
keep an open mind, and don't be so quick to judge.
Rule#4: A lot of people I know, as well as myself, are guilty of this one.
We think that stereotypes of institutions and people are true. All things
are not apparent through stereotypes, the word itself explains that:
"stereo-" = solid, "type"= general characteristics. Generalizations
oversimplify things, and never reveal the true nature of their subject. I
try to dig deeper than the surface.

Rule#5: I love music. I love punk rock. Well, not all of it. I have my
favorite bands as others do too, but I always enjoy listening to something I
haven't heard before. I don't believe in most of the movements associated
with punk either (ie., sXe, veganism, and especially anarchy as a form of
government[?]). I've come to my own conclusions on these subjects, like all
those who participate in these movements did, hopefully. I'd like to stand
on my own two feet before I start standing for someting else. As long as no
one is forcing their views on me I'm fine, it's just the intolerant,
incogitant, millitant, preachy assholes who bother me.

Rule#6: I think this is the medias fault for always portraying the
sterrotypical punk rocker as a pierced, mohawked, tattooed delinquent. This
image adds a whole lot of glory and romance to dying your hair. I went
through that phase, but now I just get up and put on a pair of jeans and a
T-shirt and I'm happy. This is really up to the individual and if it makes
you happy, do it. I just feel like that appearance is a whole lot less
important to me in my ripe old age of 19.

Rule#7: *this denotes that those skinheads were a bunch of pricks and that
they got theirs when they walked into the parking lot after the show. That
kid and like six of his friends jumped them and it looked like they were
beating the shit out of the skins as I was leaving. Anywho, to me the pit
is an agreement stating that " I'm gonna let loose and move. If you get in
my way feel free to let me know you are there by moving in a similar fashion.
I have no grudges with you and I will look out for you if you hit the ground
and I know you would probably do the same for me." It's kind of a
cameraderie thing, and you should have experienced it at a show, in the pit,
at least once. If not, I guess the scene has really gone to hell.

So that's how Uncle Ross really feels kids. I'm not trying to be a
punker, poser, preacher, raver, gangsta, player or anything else for that
matter. I'm just trying to be, and that's hard enough, without all this punk
elite bullshit getting in the way of enjoying my scene. The Moral of the
Story: Fuck the Rules, Live.